SPOILER ALERTS:
memorable quotes:
[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty Forman: Red’s mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What’s that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
———-
Steven Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven Hyde: I bled. I didn’t cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steven Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding… You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it’s funny when friends get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Close enough.
———-
Michael Kelso: C’mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
Michael Kelso: So, what’s one more thing?
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him! There is a God, and he’s on MY SIDE!
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn’t that romantic?
Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, “Yes, it is.”
Michael Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don’t you?
Fez: [to Kelso] “Yes, I do.”
Michael Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: [to Kelso] “No, describe it to me.”
Michael Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, you’re so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez: No, I don’t know.
Jackie Burkhardt: MICHAEL!
———-
Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It’s not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can’t talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
Michael Kelso: See, I can’t talk to you.
———-
Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that’ll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here’s twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we’ll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don’t want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it’s our lucky night.
———-
Michael Kelso: Look, Jackie, I don’t really know how to say this but… I don’t want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.
[Jackie gasps and exits]
Michael Kelso: No, wait, Jackie! I didn’t say *you’re* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!
———-
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she’s just abandoning Stephen, I mean, she’s his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were “I know I’m your mother but I’m abandoning you.”
———-
Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an engaged high school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn.
[applause]
Donna Pinciotti: Let’s get outta here!
———-
Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
———-
Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke’s on you, Eric. I’m wearing your pants, and I’m not wearing any underwear.
Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Good one.
———-
Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
———-
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael Kelso: Just a second, Brooke.
[to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric and Donna]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Michael Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Michael Kelso: So, Brooke. What did want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I’m pregnant.
Michael Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
———-
Laurie Forman: Oh, for God’s sake! Eric saw you guys doing it!
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. You saw your father and I having inter…
Eric: [shocked] Mom!
Laurie Forman: Oh, well, no wonder you have been acting so strange. Red, say something to the boy.
Red Forman: Oh! Ummm… It’s more fun than it looks.
———-
Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil
[Laurie walks in]
Kitty Forman: How’s mama’s girl? I have a job for you.
Laurie Forman: Not interested.
Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.
Laurie Forman: I’ll do anything for ten dollars.
Kitty Forman: For once that’s a good thing.
———-
Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.
Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!
[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]
Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!
———–
Fez: AH. This is tomorrow’s school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there’s a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don’t show you that.
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she’s your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the “Smokey and the Bandit” debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don’t believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: …We all hate Laurie, all right.
———–
[Everyone is going to a new club]
Michael Kelso: All right. I’m going.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael, my parents are going out tonight. You’re coming over to my house to… study.
Michael Kelso: No. What a gyp. I’m going to the club.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael. You have to come over to my house to “STUDY”.
Michael Kelso: Fine. I’m gonna study.
Steven Hyde: Man, you’re stupid.
Michael Kelso: I know, that’s why I have to go study.
———-
Red Forman: Threats aren’t going to work, Kitty.
Kitty Forman: Every newspaper you’ll be reading, every nap you’ll be taking, every football game you’ll be watching, I’ll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.
———-
Red Forman: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.
Eric: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they’re too weak to fight back?
———-
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
———-
Red Forman: What are you doing here?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that’s worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
———-
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde’s in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he’s anyone’s girlfriend yet?
Fez: Kelso, he’s been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he’s someone’s girlfriend.
———–
[Red on Laurie and Michael]
Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they’re dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they’re prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They’re not going to get married. He’ll leave her when she gets pregnant.
———-
Red Forman: [to Steven] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.
Kitty Forman: And we love you.
———-
Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don’t? I mean, I have the three things women want: I’m hot and I’m smart.
Donna Pinciotti: That’s two things you moron.
Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.
———-
Kelso: You guys – I just saw a UFO!
Steven Hyde: What a coincidence! Fez and I were just talking about how stupid you are.
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we’ll never get jewelry again.
———-
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever… You know…
Midge Pinciotti: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, have you ever… Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?
Midge Pinciotti: You can do that?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but…
Midge Pinciotti: You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he’ll paint the bathroom?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but aren’t you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?
Midge Pinciotti: Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. I’m getting my bathroom painted.
———-
[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]
Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.
Eric: Who’s Debby?
Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus…
Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.
Leo: Oh… I can fix that.
———-
[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]
Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?
Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn’t looking.
Steven Hyde: Leo… Once again… You are the boss.
Leo: And, I’m not looking.
[Hyde gives Fez the money]
———-
Donna Pinciotti: Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso: Donna, Shelley’s a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde: I don’t know. Let’s find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman: No.
Steven Hyde: See?
———-
Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how’d THAT get there?
Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That’s funny. No – This isn’t even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC’S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso: Man, Eric’s going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, ’cause I borrowed Eric’s shirt ’cause mine wasn’t working right. And then my mom must’ve sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don’t know, Michael…
Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I’d come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you’d think so.
———-
Michael Kelso: Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things – with everybody – I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don’t worry, I’m no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.
———-
Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I’m here to pick up your daughter for our date.
Steven Hyde: Man, you’re dating Laurie?… That’s not “going where no man has gone before”; that’s going where *every* man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: Steven, it’s not nice to be so… truthful.
———-
Steven Hyde: I got busted for possession.
Leo: Join the club.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, thanks.
Leo: No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We’re trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.
———-
Leo: Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.
Steven Hyde: I got busted.
Leo: Damn. That’s a good excuse.
———-
Donna Pinciotti: I can’t believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn’t give me like, slut rabies.
———-
Fez: Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline: Why? Don’t say it’s because I’m crazy. I’m not crazy.
Fez: No… um… it’s because… Donna and I are in love.
Caroline: WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt: Ewww…
Fez: Please tell her, Donna… Please?
Donna Pinciotti: [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez: You’re a giant, you can take her.
———-
[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We’re gonna do it.
Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.
———-
Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?
Kitty Forman: I guess so.
Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.
Kitty Forman: And, I wasn’t drunk, I was reading for the blind.
Red Forman: Deal.
———-
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven. I can’t believe it. Why can’t you say anything to make me feel better?
Steven Hyde: Ok, I’m sorry. Why don’t you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won’t be anybody’s wife.
[Jackie starts leaving]
Steven Hyde: Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it.
———-
Steven Hyde: Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she’ll see the girl inside of you. And, you don’t want to wake Erica up.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Erica. That’s classic. I’m lucky. You can’t make a girl name out of Michael.
Steven Hyde: Oh, really, Michelle?
Michael Kelso: Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I’m gonna give one to Jackie too.
Eric: Thank you, Kelso. Let’s go get them, right now.
[Eric and Kelso start leaving]
Eric: See you later… Damn it. What’s a girl name for Hyde?
[Eric and Kelso start thinking]
Steven Hyde: It’s Heidi, you morons.
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.
Michael Kelso: Who is he? What’s his name?
Jackie Burkhardt: His name is… not important. What’s important is, he’s better than you, in every single conceivable way.
Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
———-
Kitty Forman: You know I love my family. But sometimes, I just want to get in my car and run them all over.
———-
Michael Kelso: [Reading off a small box] A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything’s so cheap.
———-
Kitty Forman: [at church fundraiser] Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.
Red Forman: I’m your man.
Kitty Forman: Don’t yell at the customers.
Red Forman: I’m… kinda your man.
Kitty Forman: And smile.
Red Forman: You need another man.
———-
Steven Hyde: Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.
Red Forman: It says you’re failing gym.
Steven Hyde: Yeah.
Red Forman: Why the hell are you failing gym?
Steven Hyde: Because I wouldn’t wear shorts?
Red Forman: Why not?
Steven Hyde: Would you wear shorts?
[Red signs the card]
———-
Leo: [to Kitty] Hey, Mrs. Eric’s mom.
———-
Fez: Guys, Rhonda said she wanted to share something with me, tonight. That means we are going to do it.
Steven Hyde: Nice.
Fez: But, I have a problem. I have no place to do it in. I need someplace cheap and roomy… just like my Rhonda.
———-
Red Forman: Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you’ll help her.
Michael Kelso: [to Steven] You’re Jughead.
Steven Hyde: You’re so Jughead, its not even debatable.
Michael Kelso: You are so…
[Steven punches Michael]
Red Forman: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.
———-
[Midge left Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: I don’t get it. She didn’t give me any sign, any warning.
Donna Pinciotti: Dad, she kept saying “I’m unhappy and I’m going to leave”.
Bob Pinciotti: Donna, that’s just something married people say.
———-
Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.
———-
Eric: Donna can’t be smarter than me because I’m the man, and that’s just the way it is.
Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he’s the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we’ve been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.
Eric: But, Mom… SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.
———-
[Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up]
Donna Pinciotti: You know, I just realized that I’m the only one here who hasn’t been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom can’t hang out with Donna. Don’t you know what women talk about when they’re alone?
Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?
Jackie Burkhardt: That’s what we’re made of, you dumbass.
———-
Rhonda: Relax. We’re all part of the gang.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, no, no. *You’re* not part of this gang. You can’t be a part of this gang. I had to kiss butt for a year to be a part of this gang.
Fez: That was you being *nice*?
———-
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, how come she has a key and I don’t have one?
Michael Kelso: Well… Uhh… It’s not because nobody wants you to have one. That’s for sure.
———-
Steven Hyde: So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?
Bud Hyde: Yeah… sure. I’m cool with it. That’s me… cool dad…
Michael Kelso: Yeah. Bud’s the coolest.
[high-fives Bud]
Eric: Yeah, Bud.
[high-fives Bud]
Eric: Would you be my dad?
[both laugh]
Eric: No, really.
[both laugh]
Eric: No, I’m serious.
———-
